Volare Libre.Net

I’m just going to be title these according to how many days have gone by since I’ve made myself leave Brittany alone. And how was the first day? Total agony. I’m ok though, pissed off a bit about my space bar not working though. Three days, some guy who ate McDonalds for a month said there’s a three day mark, that if you get through it, the rest is a lot easier. Two more days and I’ve made that mark.

I had a lot of random thoughts today..

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I suppose you could go with the old cliche that I’m emo at the moment with no idea how long it’s going to last. Last week she begged me not to let her loose her best friend and lover, this week I couldn’t do the same. I could remind her but I couldn’t beg. But I realized it is possible to have your heart broken twice in one day, something that should be impossible. Mt head hurts and I’m dizzy, it feels like the entire world dropped on my shoulders. Why does it feel like that when someone dumps you? “Dumping someone” is like the perfect way to describe it, it’s exactly how you feel. Dumped. Perfect. I’ve been dumped, after someone wasted a year, one month and God knows how many days on me.

I wish I could take it all back so we could start over so that I could be with her again for a year, I would relive this whole year again if I could but skip the part of her not wanting me anymore. God it hurts to know I’m not worth it anymore.

I read somewhere that it might take a year to get over this pain. A year. I don’t want to look forward that much, I can’t imagine going a year without her, but I’ve survived one night. How weak am I? Already dying before two days. I’m so pathetically in love with her, but that’s still not enough for her.

Sorry about the sob story, people go through it everyday. I don’t know how anyone can take this pain and then feel like they can do it again. I don’t think I can ever do it again, I don’t want to do it ever again. I’ve been through enough pain in my life, from my own family. I’m not going to take it from anyone else. No one else is going to waste mine, or their time. I can’t stand knowing I got that close to someone only to have them turn their back on me. I gave her EVERYTHING I had, I turned my back on my own family for her! I would have given up everything so that I could have her. And it still wasn’t enough because I was still a minor. I’ve said I hated her, but do I mean it? Of course not I still love her with every part of my stupid body. I love her more than anything in this world and what sucks about this is, meeting someone and falling in love doesn’t make that permanent, there is always a chance they will decide they don’t want you anymore. That’s why family always comes first, you will ALWAYS have a tie to each other, something you will NEVER have with anyone else.

But I give up now, because I have no more energy to fight with her, to beg with her, but somehow I still have enough energy to cry for her. I miss her and it feels weird to know I won’t be seeing her. She still wants friendship though. How I’m going to assimilate from telling her everything to telling her nothing is beyond me, but nothing is impossible right?

Everyone keeps asking me how she could do this right when I got out of the emergency room, the next day anyways. Kind of like kicking the dog when it’s down. I should have known something was up though when she didn’t want to come see me the next day since she couldn’t come see me at the hospital. Stupid stupid me, always falling for the people who love to hurt me. Except she said she doesn’t, but she did and she always will be some god damn thorn in my side. Stupid stupid tears, I wish they would stop. There should be some kind of shot or pill that should take away this pain. Why doesn’t she love me anymore? How she can stand there and know, that my entire world existed around her, that I loved her more than anything in this entire world, and she not car? How does that not mean anything to her? What else could I have offered her? I have nothing I could give, I am worth nothing to her.

And still, as much as I want to hate her, I never will and I wish that she find the happiness that she wants and needs, that she couldn’t find in me. I have never been much and I don’t have much to offer but there is someone out there who will give her what she needs, I just hope she realizes the mistake she’s made, giving up on someone who would never stop loving her. Somehow, I doubt she’ll even think about it. I’m easily forgotten and easily thrown away, I matter little to people. I mattered little to her so why am I crying? Because I thought I was important, I thought I had something, I thought I had a lover and a best friend when in fact I had nothing but a broken dream that no one will ever understand and that no one will never know how easily I was given up. I refuse to give that power to someone else, this pain is not worth it. I refuse.

I gave her everything and now I have nothing left, not even for myself. Stupid, foolish me.